Depressi-O

Dear blog and non-existany blog readers,

I think I'm officially depressed. That's the conclusion I came to after another day of trying not to cry all day long for any petty reason and the fact I haven't ate beakfast in 3 days. Why should I force myself to do stuff only because they are needed? It's not like it's going to make me any happier. It's not like it's going to give me anything worthy to live for either. If you hadn't guessed by now, I'm also prey to episodic suicidal thoughts. I should forget and let go, yeah right. It's easy to say when you have something or someone to live for. Try doing the same when you're completely down and have only one thought, that thought being letting go of everything to stop the pain. Oh, it would be so liberating.

But... I don't think I will ever do it. I'm way to weak. To weak to resist my emotions, to weak to impose myself in a group, too weak to think properly. Ironic, that I'm also too weak to free myself of my sorrows. I wish I had someone to talk to. I talked to a few people (Thanks for puttingup with me, guys and gals), but no one can help me. Not that they don't try, but I'm also freaking too weak to listen to them! Did I say that I hate myself?

That's why I'm impatient to back home this weekend. I don't care about that convenience wedding any more than my family does, but I do care about talking to both my grandmother and my mom. Talking about depression is never easy, but if I don't do it, I guess I will sink with the ship. I need help. I really do. Before I can even think about being a more positive person, I need to even have some desire to do anything. For now, asking myself to do is propably like asking someone to move the CN Tower with their bare hands.

Bah, ciao, I guess.