Chemistry and pain

"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed."

Note: This is not a complain about the past and about a certain individual who will recognize himself, but about the future and stuff that can hurt.

I saw this little piece of text somewhere and it got me thinking. Not about it specifically, because I know that this statement is true. However, it is also true, in chemistry, than a transformation from putting two chemical together is often not revertible, so the day you wish to go back things were before, something doesn't quite work. Where there was H2 and O2 able to work independently, there is now OH- and H+ looking for something that's missing. So it got me thinking: is it really a good thing to seek to transform ourselves, if it's inevitably going to be destroyed and leave us in pain? In that light, I kind of pity my former best friend and his new best friend, because they fell in that trap and one day, one of them is going to be hurt greatly. Granted, this day might be very far off, maybe in 10 years, but it will happen, since nothing is forever. And that's sad. I conclude that to avoid such pain, people shouldn't do such things as heavily depending on others. Friendship is great and all that, but I'm kind of doubting it's worth the eventual pain of separation. Which probably makes me someone sour and stupid to the eyes of pretty much everyone in a couple on this planet, but I don't care.

This being said, I'm not immune to such change myself. I've already started to be transformed by spending time with Rougia. She's real nice, but I probably should start planning for the day she's not going to be there, because otherwise, I will probably be sad not to have someone to talk to or to do stupid playful RPs with. I dunno how I will do it, but I sure don't wish to fall in the trap of not having any escape door... again. That will probably make a nice discussion topic with Alpha tomorrow, so thanks to the two people who came up with that quote or at least took it somewhere to use it. I have a great duality to use here: The good brought by something and the potential pain from it, clashing. I do have trouble with that, since I fear the consequences of something, even if they are far off. I think being prepared is a good solution, but so is just not getting involved in the first place is. Yeah... in parting words, I hope nobody felt offended by this and that Rougia won't come to me wondering if I intend to stop talking to her to protect myself. The answer is no... for now. You never know how things can go. I'm crazy, anyway. Ciao.

Depressi-O

Dear blog and non-existany blog readers,

I think I'm officially depressed. That's the conclusion I came to after another day of trying not to cry all day long for any petty reason and the fact I haven't ate beakfast in 3 days. Why should I force myself to do stuff only because they are needed? It's not like it's going to make me any happier. It's not like it's going to give me anything worthy to live for either. If you hadn't guessed by now, I'm also prey to episodic suicidal thoughts. I should forget and let go, yeah right. It's easy to say when you have something or someone to live for. Try doing the same when you're completely down and have only one thought, that thought being letting go of everything to stop the pain. Oh, it would be so liberating.

But... I don't think I will ever do it. I'm way to weak. To weak to resist my emotions, to weak to impose myself in a group, too weak to think properly. Ironic, that I'm also too weak to free myself of my sorrows. I wish I had someone to talk to. I talked to a few people (Thanks for puttingup with me, guys and gals), but no one can help me. Not that they don't try, but I'm also freaking too weak to listen to them! Did I say that I hate myself?

That's why I'm impatient to back home this weekend. I don't care about that convenience wedding any more than my family does, but I do care about talking to both my grandmother and my mom. Talking about depression is never easy, but if I don't do it, I guess I will sink with the ship. I need help. I really do. Before I can even think about being a more positive person, I need to even have some desire to do anything. For now, asking myself to do is propably like asking someone to move the CN Tower with their bare hands.

Bah, ciao, I guess.