Vacation and freedom

Hello everyone

I will be rather short today. As you might have understood in the last few messages or the lack of messages, I have been deeling rather down lately, more than the usual depressed. So... I`ve had enough. Even though this is a regular weekend, I'm taking a vacation of some kind. The kind that will certainly bother some people, but if they can't that I need it, I'm telling them to go screw themselves! So... Once I'm home, once I've download work stuff into my computer, I'm going to turn off everything. Phone, computer wireless and TV until Sunday or Monday morning. Or... Actually I will turn off communications with the outside world, since I still need Google and my email account for ordering that Halloween costume. But you get my point. I'm not really going to be reachable and I won't reply to emails, so don't bother.

On a closing note, want to thanks FD for the idea... As always.

Adios. Bye, Au revoir, Ciao...

-me

Short week, short temper

Hello everyone...

I will keep my morning rant short this morning, because I really don't feel like it.
So, you know what sucks, other than me? Feeling sick do (althought, now that I think about it, it is kinda related to me sucking). As if I needed to feel sick. Feeling wasn't enough, huh? I'm looking at you, God! Seriously, that sucks. Being late at work sucks. Waiting for screwy bus sucks. I will probably rant about that tomorrow. For now, I will dig myself a hole and hide in it until I feel better. I'm sure one of my dozens of recycled characters (read fucking imaginary friends) can dig it for me. If not, they suck too.

Ciao.

Feelin' down again...

I guess it was bound to happen...

...the whole weekend has been a waste of time... I didn't do half of what I wanted to do and I didn't even rest properly. It's late and I'm still up, listening to sad music and moping in my corner. My room is a living junk and I've not found the will to clean it yet. I had three whole days to do and what did I do? NOTHING!

DAMNIT! WHY DO I HAVE TO SUCK SO MUCH!!! ARGH!!! I WILL NEVER BE GOOD AT ANYTHING!! I'm a FREAKING loser! My manager is cool, he did a lot of cool things and he's great at his job. Yeah... I'm doing progresses, he says. Sure. That's all bullshit! He just wants me to feel good. I'm a loser and everyone know it! I can't keep my friends and I can't even keep my body and room clean! Do you know the last time I took a shower? 9 days ago! 9 days! And the dishes? 2 weeks! You would think that would make me want to do anything anything about it, but nooooo! I don't. It just doesn't want to work in my head. I'm a freaking loser. Damn it. Damnit. Fucking life!

Arghhhh!!! Meh... I'm not even gonna bother with the ciao...

Light

Hello,

I've received a phone call this afternoon. I will meet my psycho-person tomorrow, after work, at 6:30PM. I think it is great that things go so fast, since it means I will start feeling better sooner, which is critical for the success of my internship.

Magic: Yay! Happiness!

Not really, Magic. Just ness, no happy yet. I'm still feeling very down, but I have something to look forward to, at least.

Magic: *looks confused* Yay?

Err, yeah, yay.

Magic: Yay! *climbs onto my head and hug it*

*pet Magic* I hope I can feel happy like you, one day... *look at non-existany reader* Oh, yeah... Ciao.

Depressi-O: Update

*sigh* Well, I gathered the courage to talk about my depression to my manager. He referred me to an association how mental problems that my company is subscribed to. After a rather difficult phone call, I've got meeting sessions with a professional psycho person, paid by the company, which should help me over a few meetings and the prescription of the appropriate drugs, to make me less mentally deranged. Let's hope this one is the right one. I would love to be free of the heavy dependance to others to find happiness, which coupled with my personality, makes dangerous in bad times.

Depressi-O

Dear blog and non-existany blog readers,

I think I'm officially depressed. That's the conclusion I came to after another day of trying not to cry all day long for any petty reason and the fact I haven't ate beakfast in 3 days. Why should I force myself to do stuff only because they are needed? It's not like it's going to make me any happier. It's not like it's going to give me anything worthy to live for either. If you hadn't guessed by now, I'm also prey to episodic suicidal thoughts. I should forget and let go, yeah right. It's easy to say when you have something or someone to live for. Try doing the same when you're completely down and have only one thought, that thought being letting go of everything to stop the pain. Oh, it would be so liberating.

But... I don't think I will ever do it. I'm way to weak. To weak to resist my emotions, to weak to impose myself in a group, too weak to think properly. Ironic, that I'm also too weak to free myself of my sorrows. I wish I had someone to talk to. I talked to a few people (Thanks for puttingup with me, guys and gals), but no one can help me. Not that they don't try, but I'm also freaking too weak to listen to them! Did I say that I hate myself?

That's why I'm impatient to back home this weekend. I don't care about that convenience wedding any more than my family does, but I do care about talking to both my grandmother and my mom. Talking about depression is never easy, but if I don't do it, I guess I will sink with the ship. I need help. I really do. Before I can even think about being a more positive person, I need to even have some desire to do anything. For now, asking myself to do is propably like asking someone to move the CN Tower with their bare hands.

Bah, ciao, I guess.