Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Monday, February 22, 2010
Past, present and future
Post died. Apparently. Now it's a thing of the past. Too bad. Not rewriting it. Look at the next post for the objectives of this day. The objectives for the day before were all 100% anyway.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
The meaning of friendship
After talking with KA ealier tonight, I've realized something: Things have changed. In the last month, I've been visiting a psychologist to improve many things in my life. so far, I've succeeded with work. I'm way more productive than I have ever been. And lately, I felt like I was about to succeed in restoring the broken trust between Kirby Oak and I. But something stuck me: he changed. I'm not talking about his friendship with FD or his college life, but something more fundamental. I've always seen him as someone I could always speak with, no matter the time of the day. And I still saw him online all the time, so I kept that vision of him. But... it is wrong. He might be online, but he made a choice, the choice to, not only be best friend with FD, but to involve himself in activities requiring 100% of his focus, instead of multitasking like he did when he was best friend with me. In that regard, Kirby is not the person I thought could always be there, not anymore. Even if he wanted to do stuff with me, his life is already filled with a lot of commitments and those go first. Like mostly everyone else I know online, he now has a life (read as "having a filled agenda that cannot be moved around", not "having a life outside the computer").
In that context, trying to be friends with him would seem impossible, wouldn't it? How could I be friend with someone with so little time to give to people who aren't his best friend? But, I think that's the point of what I've realized today. My good friend on the Internet, Rougia, is not often available either. She has only two days in the week she doesn't work; the rest of the days, she works at night and sleep right before it and I'm mostly unavailable while I'm work. To make a short story, we probably have 1-2 good occasions every week to truly do things together; the rest of the time we talk, it's kept short. Yet, I consider us to be friends. Contradictory, isn't it? On one hand, I almost instinctively consider Kirby not to be a friend because he is busy and on the other hand, someone who can rarely play with me is considered a friend. I've thought about it in my bed last night, and the answer seemed so simple I almost feel stupid for not thinking about it: It's all a matter of perspective. With Rougia, I have known from the day 1 that she wasn't often available and I've accepted it as being a part of our friendship. With Kirby, I've become used to him always being online and it's hard for me to accept anything less than that.
But... things do change. It's an unavoidable fact of life. I'm the first one to have changed, most ironically. The days I could stay up late and play all night are a thing of the past. Now, I have to go sleep early to have enough energy to go through a whole day while staying mentally productive and creative. On weekends, I have certain tasks to accomplish, because I don't have time to on weekdays. On the top of all that, there are a lot of daily things, such as eating and keeping myself clean, that have to be done. Kirby seek someone friendly he could spend his online time with... and unfortunately, I cannot really fill that role. Friendly, I think I can be now. Available? Nope, that I can't. So I think... that even if FD wasn't around, that Kirb wouldn't find that kind of solution in me. Not someone with a busy life like me. It comes with a price, though. Someone else filled that role and together, they have chosen activities preventing anyone else from even thinking about getting close with any of these two.
In light of all this, is Kirby Oak still my friend: Yes. Not a terrific friend. Not a close friend, not even a real friend, but a friend nonetheless. Because, beyond the facts that we both got a life now, we still have a few shared interests. So long I am nice and go on with my life when things aren't all perfect, I think we can be good friends. I've been wrong all that time. Friendship isn't counted in minutes spent together, in number of RP played or any other superficial parameter. Friendship is about feeling comfortable around another person. I feel comfortable around Rou, around FD, around KA and around Kirby. Those are all my friends. My time with them might be limited... but I wouldn't want it gone for all the money in the world. What makes 10 minutes in a day so wonderful... that's what friendship is. If anyone in the Skype group is reading this... I want to be back home, guys.
In that context, trying to be friends with him would seem impossible, wouldn't it? How could I be friend with someone with so little time to give to people who aren't his best friend? But, I think that's the point of what I've realized today. My good friend on the Internet, Rougia, is not often available either. She has only two days in the week she doesn't work; the rest of the days, she works at night and sleep right before it and I'm mostly unavailable while I'm work. To make a short story, we probably have 1-2 good occasions every week to truly do things together; the rest of the time we talk, it's kept short. Yet, I consider us to be friends. Contradictory, isn't it? On one hand, I almost instinctively consider Kirby not to be a friend because he is busy and on the other hand, someone who can rarely play with me is considered a friend. I've thought about it in my bed last night, and the answer seemed so simple I almost feel stupid for not thinking about it: It's all a matter of perspective. With Rougia, I have known from the day 1 that she wasn't often available and I've accepted it as being a part of our friendship. With Kirby, I've become used to him always being online and it's hard for me to accept anything less than that.
But... things do change. It's an unavoidable fact of life. I'm the first one to have changed, most ironically. The days I could stay up late and play all night are a thing of the past. Now, I have to go sleep early to have enough energy to go through a whole day while staying mentally productive and creative. On weekends, I have certain tasks to accomplish, because I don't have time to on weekdays. On the top of all that, there are a lot of daily things, such as eating and keeping myself clean, that have to be done. Kirby seek someone friendly he could spend his online time with... and unfortunately, I cannot really fill that role. Friendly, I think I can be now. Available? Nope, that I can't. So I think... that even if FD wasn't around, that Kirb wouldn't find that kind of solution in me. Not someone with a busy life like me. It comes with a price, though. Someone else filled that role and together, they have chosen activities preventing anyone else from even thinking about getting close with any of these two.
In light of all this, is Kirby Oak still my friend: Yes. Not a terrific friend. Not a close friend, not even a real friend, but a friend nonetheless. Because, beyond the facts that we both got a life now, we still have a few shared interests. So long I am nice and go on with my life when things aren't all perfect, I think we can be good friends. I've been wrong all that time. Friendship isn't counted in minutes spent together, in number of RP played or any other superficial parameter. Friendship is about feeling comfortable around another person. I feel comfortable around Rou, around FD, around KA and around Kirby. Those are all my friends. My time with them might be limited... but I wouldn't want it gone for all the money in the world. What makes 10 minutes in a day so wonderful... that's what friendship is. If anyone in the Skype group is reading this... I want to be back home, guys.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Lack of sleep + Lack of food + Lack of lack of emotions = Somethin' not... fun
*is a half-asleep chibi-espeon submissived by evil umbreon* Hi..ya.
I had stuff to say, tonight, but I forget. It was probably something. Important. Buuuuut... it happens. The pikachu is biting an apple in the tree and the tree is green. Hehe... random thought. SOOOOOOOO.... yeah... I'm tired. Kinda. Like. Very, very... a lot. *sob-laugh mix randomly* Heh... sniff... It's a great day. I enarly... worked today. Nearly. With an N and an y. I wub apples! And meat.
I feel like I'm being away from the topic... whatever is was. Yay, I compelted another sentence. Oh... ueah! I remember. Today, I... epic failed. At work. Because I didn't work a lot, nearly slept and played games on phone... kinda. It was more like stuff. And RPing and a shiny ship, plane, word typing thingy game fun. And RPing.
I like RPing.
Yeah, and about cheese, I think it should taste better sometime. But not that sometime. Other time. Ok. I think I'm starting to write stuff that is not sane. maybe. Peharps. It could be. Who knows? Sparktail? Magic? Kagai? Kai? THE POPE?
I like RPing.
And cheese. And chocolate. And cute. And sex. And RPing cute sex in chocolate in a cheese pot with people eating in it. will try to remember idea. Ok. Now I thin i'm done. Ci-a-o. Ciao. CIAO. CIAO!!!!!!!!
PS: I like RPing.
PPS: Eevee...sized espeon me.
I had stuff to say, tonight, but I forget. It was probably something. Important. Buuuuut... it happens. The pikachu is biting an apple in the tree and the tree is green. Hehe... random thought. SOOOOOOOO.... yeah... I'm tired. Kinda. Like. Very, very... a lot. *sob-laugh mix randomly* Heh... sniff... It's a great day. I enarly... worked today. Nearly. With an N and an y. I wub apples! And meat.
I feel like I'm being away from the topic... whatever is was. Yay, I compelted another sentence. Oh... ueah! I remember. Today, I... epic failed. At work. Because I didn't work a lot, nearly slept and played games on phone... kinda. It was more like stuff. And RPing and a shiny ship, plane, word typing thingy game fun. And RPing.
I like RPing.
Yeah, and about cheese, I think it should taste better sometime. But not that sometime. Other time. Ok. I think I'm starting to write stuff that is not sane. maybe. Peharps. It could be. Who knows? Sparktail? Magic? Kagai? Kai? THE POPE?
I like RPing.
And cheese. And chocolate. And cute. And sex. And RPing cute sex in chocolate in a cheese pot with people eating in it. will try to remember idea. Ok. Now I thin i'm done. Ci-a-o. Ciao. CIAO. CIAO!!!!!!!!
PS: I like RPing.
PPS: Eevee...sized espeon me.
Chemistry and pain
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed."
Note: This is not a complain about the past and about a certain individual who will recognize himself, but about the future and stuff that can hurt.
I saw this little piece of text somewhere and it got me thinking. Not about it specifically, because I know that this statement is true. However, it is also true, in chemistry, than a transformation from putting two chemical together is often not revertible, so the day you wish to go back things were before, something doesn't quite work. Where there was H2 and O2 able to work independently, there is now OH- and H+ looking for something that's missing. So it got me thinking: is it really a good thing to seek to transform ourselves, if it's inevitably going to be destroyed and leave us in pain? In that light, I kind of pity my former best friend and his new best friend, because they fell in that trap and one day, one of them is going to be hurt greatly. Granted, this day might be very far off, maybe in 10 years, but it will happen, since nothing is forever. And that's sad. I conclude that to avoid such pain, people shouldn't do such things as heavily depending on others. Friendship is great and all that, but I'm kind of doubting it's worth the eventual pain of separation. Which probably makes me someone sour and stupid to the eyes of pretty much everyone in a couple on this planet, but I don't care.
This being said, I'm not immune to such change myself. I've already started to be transformed by spending time with Rougia. She's real nice, but I probably should start planning for the day she's not going to be there, because otherwise, I will probably be sad not to have someone to talk to or to do stupid playful RPs with. I dunno how I will do it, but I sure don't wish to fall in the trap of not having any escape door... again. That will probably make a nice discussion topic with Alpha tomorrow, so thanks to the two people who came up with that quote or at least took it somewhere to use it. I have a great duality to use here: The good brought by something and the potential pain from it, clashing. I do have trouble with that, since I fear the consequences of something, even if they are far off. I think being prepared is a good solution, but so is just not getting involved in the first place is. Yeah... in parting words, I hope nobody felt offended by this and that Rougia won't come to me wondering if I intend to stop talking to her to protect myself. The answer is no... for now. You never know how things can go. I'm crazy, anyway. Ciao.
Note: This is not a complain about the past and about a certain individual who will recognize himself, but about the future and stuff that can hurt.
I saw this little piece of text somewhere and it got me thinking. Not about it specifically, because I know that this statement is true. However, it is also true, in chemistry, than a transformation from putting two chemical together is often not revertible, so the day you wish to go back things were before, something doesn't quite work. Where there was H2 and O2 able to work independently, there is now OH- and H+ looking for something that's missing. So it got me thinking: is it really a good thing to seek to transform ourselves, if it's inevitably going to be destroyed and leave us in pain? In that light, I kind of pity my former best friend and his new best friend, because they fell in that trap and one day, one of them is going to be hurt greatly. Granted, this day might be very far off, maybe in 10 years, but it will happen, since nothing is forever. And that's sad. I conclude that to avoid such pain, people shouldn't do such things as heavily depending on others. Friendship is great and all that, but I'm kind of doubting it's worth the eventual pain of separation. Which probably makes me someone sour and stupid to the eyes of pretty much everyone in a couple on this planet, but I don't care.
This being said, I'm not immune to such change myself. I've already started to be transformed by spending time with Rougia. She's real nice, but I probably should start planning for the day she's not going to be there, because otherwise, I will probably be sad not to have someone to talk to or to do stupid playful RPs with. I dunno how I will do it, but I sure don't wish to fall in the trap of not having any escape door... again. That will probably make a nice discussion topic with Alpha tomorrow, so thanks to the two people who came up with that quote or at least took it somewhere to use it. I have a great duality to use here: The good brought by something and the potential pain from it, clashing. I do have trouble with that, since I fear the consequences of something, even if they are far off. I think being prepared is a good solution, but so is just not getting involved in the first place is. Yeah... in parting words, I hope nobody felt offended by this and that Rougia won't come to me wondering if I intend to stop talking to her to protect myself. The answer is no... for now. You never know how things can go. I'm crazy, anyway. Ciao.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Depressi-O: Update
*sigh* Well, I gathered the courage to talk about my depression to my manager. He referred me to an association how mental problems that my company is subscribed to. After a rather difficult phone call, I've got meeting sessions with a professional psycho person, paid by the company, which should help me over a few meetings and the prescription of the appropriate drugs, to make me less mentally deranged. Let's hope this one is the right one. I would love to be free of the heavy dependance to others to find happiness, which coupled with my personality, makes dangerous in bad times.
Depressi-O
Dear blog and non-existany blog readers,
I think I'm officially depressed. That's the conclusion I came to after another day of trying not to cry all day long for any petty reason and the fact I haven't ate beakfast in 3 days. Why should I force myself to do stuff only because they are needed? It's not like it's going to make me any happier. It's not like it's going to give me anything worthy to live for either. If you hadn't guessed by now, I'm also prey to episodic suicidal thoughts. I should forget and let go, yeah right. It's easy to say when you have something or someone to live for. Try doing the same when you're completely down and have only one thought, that thought being letting go of everything to stop the pain. Oh, it would be so liberating.
But... I don't think I will ever do it. I'm way to weak. To weak to resist my emotions, to weak to impose myself in a group, too weak to think properly. Ironic, that I'm also too weak to free myself of my sorrows. I wish I had someone to talk to. I talked to a few people (Thanks for puttingup with me, guys and gals), but no one can help me. Not that they don't try, but I'm also freaking too weak to listen to them! Did I say that I hate myself?
That's why I'm impatient to back home this weekend. I don't care about that convenience wedding any more than my family does, but I do care about talking to both my grandmother and my mom. Talking about depression is never easy, but if I don't do it, I guess I will sink with the ship. I need help. I really do. Before I can even think about being a more positive person, I need to even have some desire to do anything. For now, asking myself to do is propably like asking someone to move the CN Tower with their bare hands.
Bah, ciao, I guess.
I think I'm officially depressed. That's the conclusion I came to after another day of trying not to cry all day long for any petty reason and the fact I haven't ate beakfast in 3 days. Why should I force myself to do stuff only because they are needed? It's not like it's going to make me any happier. It's not like it's going to give me anything worthy to live for either. If you hadn't guessed by now, I'm also prey to episodic suicidal thoughts. I should forget and let go, yeah right. It's easy to say when you have something or someone to live for. Try doing the same when you're completely down and have only one thought, that thought being letting go of everything to stop the pain. Oh, it would be so liberating.
But... I don't think I will ever do it. I'm way to weak. To weak to resist my emotions, to weak to impose myself in a group, too weak to think properly. Ironic, that I'm also too weak to free myself of my sorrows. I wish I had someone to talk to. I talked to a few people (Thanks for puttingup with me, guys and gals), but no one can help me. Not that they don't try, but I'm also freaking too weak to listen to them! Did I say that I hate myself?
That's why I'm impatient to back home this weekend. I don't care about that convenience wedding any more than my family does, but I do care about talking to both my grandmother and my mom. Talking about depression is never easy, but if I don't do it, I guess I will sink with the ship. I need help. I really do. Before I can even think about being a more positive person, I need to even have some desire to do anything. For now, asking myself to do is propably like asking someone to move the CN Tower with their bare hands.
Bah, ciao, I guess.
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