The meaning of friendship

After talking with KA ealier tonight, I've realized something: Things have changed. In the last month, I've been visiting a psychologist to improve many things in my life. so far, I've succeeded with work. I'm way more productive than I have ever been. And lately, I felt like I was about to succeed in restoring the broken trust between Kirby Oak and I. But something stuck me: he changed. I'm not talking about his friendship with FD or his college life, but something more fundamental. I've always seen him as someone I could always speak with, no matter the time of the day. And I still saw him online all the time, so I kept that vision of him. But... it is wrong. He might be online, but he made a choice, the choice to, not only be best friend with FD, but to involve himself in activities requiring 100% of his focus, instead of multitasking like he did when he was best friend with me. In that regard, Kirby is not the person I thought could always be there, not anymore. Even if he wanted to do stuff with me, his life is already filled with a lot of commitments and those go first. Like mostly everyone else I know online, he now has a life (read as "having a filled agenda that cannot be moved around", not "having a life outside the computer").

In that context, trying to be friends with him would seem impossible, wouldn't it? How could I be friend with someone with so little time to give to people who aren't his best friend? But, I think that's the point of what I've realized today. My good friend on the Internet, Rougia, is not often available either. She has only two days in the week she doesn't work; the rest of the days, she works at night and sleep right before it and I'm mostly unavailable while I'm work. To make a short story, we probably have 1-2 good occasions every week to truly do things together; the rest of the time we talk, it's kept short. Yet, I consider us to be friends. Contradictory, isn't it? On one hand, I almost instinctively consider Kirby not to be a friend because he is busy and on the other hand, someone who can rarely play with me is considered a friend. I've thought about it in my bed last night, and the answer seemed so simple I almost feel stupid for not thinking about it: It's all a matter of perspective. With Rougia, I have known from the day 1 that she wasn't often available and I've accepted it as being a part of our friendship. With Kirby, I've become used to him always being online and it's hard for me to accept anything less than that.

But... things do change. It's an unavoidable fact of life. I'm the first one to have changed, most ironically. The days I could stay up late and play all night are a thing of the past. Now, I have to go sleep early to have enough energy to go through a whole day while staying mentally productive and creative. On weekends, I have certain tasks to accomplish, because I don't have time to on weekdays. On the top of all that, there are a lot of daily things, such as eating and keeping myself clean, that have to be done. Kirby seek someone friendly he could spend his online time with... and unfortunately, I cannot really fill that role. Friendly, I think I can be now. Available? Nope, that I can't. So I think... that even if FD wasn't around, that Kirb wouldn't find that kind of solution in me. Not someone with a busy life like me. It comes with a price, though. Someone else filled that role and together, they have chosen activities preventing anyone else from even thinking about getting close with any of these two.

In light of all this, is Kirby Oak still my friend: Yes. Not a terrific friend. Not a close friend, not even a real friend, but a friend nonetheless. Because, beyond the facts that we both got a life now, we still have a few shared interests. So long I am nice and go on with my life when things aren't all perfect, I think we can be good friends. I've been wrong all that time. Friendship isn't counted in minutes spent together, in number of RP played or any other superficial parameter. Friendship is about feeling comfortable around another person. I feel comfortable around Rou, around FD, around KA and around Kirby. Those are all my friends. My time with them might be limited... but I wouldn't want it gone for all the money in the world. What makes 10 minutes in a day so wonderful... that's what friendship is. If anyone in the Skype group is reading this... I want to be back home, guys.